Y...U...S...I

纽约很脏 纽约的地铁也很脏

习惯了在车里享受行驶的孤独 汽车就象个安全罩 保护自己和外界不必要的接触却又可以让你随意观察外面的世界

刚来华盛顿的时候很不习惯坐地铁 还记得第一次在车厢里琢磨着该把自己的目光放到何处 怕与诡异的人眼神交汇 又怕盯着别人让人不安

我很怕丢面子 可是在华盛顿生活就顾不了面子 下班后经常要到很远的地方去买菜 提着几大个袋子跟逃难似地转站坐很久的地铁 出了站还要走很久才能到家 路人都用一种怜香惜玉的眼神看着我 让我自己都忍不住笑自己怎么看起来那么可怜 可是别人越是看我 我就奔得越快 所以现在两个月后的我就连买个菜都大步流星的 那种不顾面子的豁达流入心间很是快活

才去纽约看了一个朋友 纽约还是一如既往的脏乱 不禁感叹其实华盛顿的地铁真的已经好很多了 保守的修得象个防空洞似的地铁站 有限的广告让人心静 而纽约 拥挤的站台充满了混杂着各种让人浮想联翩的味道的气体 还有乱七八糟的涂鸦  有时候在华盛顿坐地铁还难免有些惬意 而在纽约 就只有一种纯粹的浮躁

但是有这样一个男人 我不想跟某小说的某种人的类型划上等号 他就活生生得出现在你的面前 白色的随便扣好的衬衣 （我很不想描述这点） 蓬乱的黑色头发和胡子 不太长 用耳机塞住外面的世界 拿着一本有点旧的英文小说 在人来人往的车厢里他就这样坐在那里 就专心地看着书 宽松的牛仔裤 加上棕色的凉拖 腿翘起来摆了个很舒服的姿势 就是这么简单 这个瘦长的有点忧郁气质的人也怕有二十八九，三十出头的样子了 可是就没有一点让人觉得恶心油腻的感觉 我反而愿意用纯洁来形容他 这种对比起那种 自以为是 装神弄鬼 以为自己很男人 很美国的 从亚洲来的男人而言的单纯 我想不出他是开什么样的车的人 因为他开什么车车都配不上他 也许他就不归属于物质的范畴 也许他就是个纽约人 只坐地铁

你看他连出站时的稍微用心找了下方向的那个眼神都是那么干净透彻 你说一个也该经历丰富的人吧 怎么就可以有那么单纯的气质？ 他就那样把书熟练地揣在裤子背后的包里 消失在人群中了
我这样又描写一次他只让我对他的印象充满了更多我自己的解释 而他真正的样子却在脑中越来越模糊 想多了也会忘掉 不想也会忘掉

我真是花痴到头了 心想要是有个这样的人在身边 肯定爱都爱不完 可是他 还是不要去碰好了 那种穿得那么休闲简单却又不可接近的气质 那种距离 还是不要去打破好了 怕自己失望 即使自己available

还是一个人好了 给未来多点想像的空间 就象我爱上华盛顿这个大器而又精致的城市 总希望未来还可以来这里常住

两个月的实习还有几天就要结束了

I've always wanted to update my space with some thoughts I should've had every once in a while. Unfortunately I doubt I did. Life gets bizarre sometimes, just like this freaking Chinese typing system on the mac that never works compatibly with the PC based windows space. I DID wanna type in Chinese though. And I love my mac.

I've had a crazy semester with 6 classes but the least efforts I had put into them. I survived the finals and still did OK with all the classes. I really wished I did really bad so that I could learn a lesson from being lazy with school. I never had time for school even I had nothing to do. I know that is BAD.

I always thought drinking a lot and not being drunk is cool. My bro Leo always discourages me by saying that life won't get that great until you are drunk. Maybe I just never had that much before to realize how great things could be and how freely I could behave myself when getting wasted, not in a bad way (don't get me wrong), but not in a nice way either anyway. And now I know he is right.

One thing I am proud of myself is that I do open up myself to this new country. And I hang out with the people who do the same thing. I love to dance and have a good time with them. I don't see myself being Americanized though you might start to doubt if some behaviors I had fit a good girl's criteria,  a good girl from China. All I know is that I should be a cool FOB (fresh-out-of-boat, this is how these American Asian friends call us), flexible to jump between two cultures. I might be mean I am sometimes biased but I am nice overall. I am willing to meet all these that are simple, open-minded but definitely not a calculating bitch.

It's almost the end of the year and I am actually taking a break from packing for the trip to NYC tomorrow with parents. Not the best place to go with mom and dad!! Spending time without them has already been a routine for me. I get uncomfortable with still being lectured and disciplined like a kid. It's depressing that family no longer seems as important as it should be for those fobs like us. I do get a lot more mature by surviving in this country but I see myself becoming more self-centered. Even in relationships I lack the ability to care and think more for the other. That IS my problem.

As a very typical last-minute person I can't imagine how my life would be next semester with two internships and five classes. One at TCU Daily Skiff as a staff reporter and an internship at Fort Worth Sister Cities International (I killed the interview, that was how pang pang described it, haha)  I am lazy and unorganized. But I love to set all the goals for myself even though I know I will end up hating myself doing so much. This is me, a 21-year-old yet not a grown-up struggles with the 80's babies' flaws but trying to make herself a better person so it makes her look good and her parents proud.

Hey, I did have some thoughts though really random. Thanks for taking your time.

Have a great start of the new year and stay warm...see ya next year!!!

之所以那么久没有写日志一个很重要也很白痴的原因是 我才买了新的笔记本 是苹果的 哈哈哈 先高兴一下 因为确实很可爱 而且就算一万个朋友说他们还喜欢windows的系统我还是无所谓 虽然我没有一万个朋友 但是拥有苹果的人再也不会觉得其他的电脑好了 小小骄傲一下 不过事实上我花了很长的时间才找到中文输入系统设置在哪里。。。不要晕倒 而且自从用了我的苹果以后空间上背景那么好看的照片居然就看不到了 不过大家都不用苹果所以就我看不到也还好 其实我还是很喜欢写日志的 只是长久以来我没有意识到的一个问题是我的空间 或者是其他很多人的空间都存在着一些朋友以外潜在的读者 因为他们的年龄身份根本不适合还在网上和我们这样一般大的不懂事的孩子胡扯八卦 所以我从来没考虑过他们在网络上的存在 在很多时候我十分尊重这些人 所以我希望他们也能给我同样的尊重 因为现在每次提笔写点东西就会担心 啊 我这样说会不会谁谁谁就觉得我怎么样了啊 我登点照片谁又看出什么名堂了啊 我不想成为明星但是很感谢有的人给我这种感觉不过已经足够了 我不过是个想什么说什么不顾后果也不想顾后果的直白的孩子 近来觉得经常头晕 恐怕是周末太是疯狂了点 自从搬出了学校和我那在欧洲长大的好朋友一起住外面以后周末夜晚的人生就变得很是精彩 以前只是一般好的朋友发现住在一起后有那么多的共同点 觉得好幸运 特别是一提到出入。。。更是一拍即合 那个。。。用她10多年前学的中文叫“舞厅“ 学习上虽然我们俩都很懒但她的成绩实在太猛所以也在她的影响下我也给自己很多压力以化为动力 认识了一些新朋友 接触了一个曾经没有接触的圈子 有陌生感也有归属感 同样的肤色 不同的背景 在未来计划上现在有些失落 老是碰壁 自己却不太有动力和争强好胜的那股冲劲了 于是我从开始收拾我乱得不行的房间开始 整理我生活中的每一个细节 自己给自己加油 恩 很晚了 明天还要早起读书 说到做到 还要记得没事犯懒的时候还不如上来更新一下我的空间